Still Holding On
by Myra Dork
Summary: COMPLETE: Love will make you do crazy things; even turn you into a cyanic human being. AU Dark CB: Blair's POV one-shot R


Does anyone remember _**The End?**_ well I do (probably because I wrote it). Well I said I would NEVER do another fic in that format because of whatever reason… So I got really inspired during the week of my Summer Quarter finales and wrote this… It is so angsty. I don't know why angst is so easy to write, especially for CB

Summary: Love will make you do crazy things; even turn you into a cyanic human being. AU Dark CB

I own nothing, if i did then episode 2.20 to 2.24 wouldn't exist.

* * *

How can I let go if you're still holding on to me?

**It was the last day of summer **

**Since I last saw him**

**But that was months ago**

**I remember the first look **

**We were 5 **

**The first touch**

**The first time we made love**

**I remember it all **

**It was easier to drink it all away**

**It was easier because it made me forget**

**As it turns out**

**All the money in the world **

**Couldn't buy happiness**

**I was drowning**

**And no one noticed**

**I was supposed to be happy with **_**him**_

**Instead here I am **

**Pretending to be happy without him**

**If I could pretend that everything is fine**

**So could my friends**

**If they were worried they said nothing.**

**Of course they had their own dramas to attend to**

**I wondered what became of him**

**Was he happy?**

**Why didn't he come for me?**

**How often had I cried myself to sleep?**

**It dawned on me**

**He wasn't coming back**

**Not now not ever**

**Hadn't he professed his undying love for me?**

**Hadn't he promise to come back?**

* * *

Months had turned into years

I was done waiting

Done feeling sorry for myself

So I moved on

Time had allowed me to find someone else

His name was Scott Humphrey

Dan's half-brother

He made me happy

Sort of

The pain from my first real love was fading

I could now say his name

Chuck Bass

I recalled the burning sensation in my throat

When I uttered his name

My engagement party was grand

Everyone was there

From Serena, Nate, even Vanessa

Dan was there mostly for brotherly support

Lily was gone

Who knows where she was off too

Everything was moving so fasted

Five years

**Here I was preparing **

**To tell the world of my engagement**

**But I had no real desire to show my face**

**So I waited by the balcony**

"_**You know there's a big party down stairs**_**,"**

**I heard Scott say.**

**I turned to face him and gave him a light smile**

"_**I wonder whose party it is**_**."**

**I teased **

**He moved closer**

**And pecked my lips**

"_**I'll see you in a few, gorgeous**_**."**

**He smiled and left me to my thoughts**

**He knew that I was far from ready**

**There was never any pressure**

**It was so easy to love him**

**I was going to make sure **

**I did everything I could to be happy**

**I turned my back and looked at the sky**

**How I imagined this particular night so differently.**

"_**So how long did take you? **_

_**Before you ran into another man's arm?"**_

**For a second I thought I was going crazy.**

**He could not be here…**

I was going crazy

Chuck could not be here

This must be a dream

I was certain of it.

Then had spun me around

There he was

"_Chuck_?"

I couldn't contain my joy

So this is what it took to bring him back?

Why didn't I think of this sooner?

"_How long Blair?" _

**He asked softly**

**I almost didn't answer**

"_**Three years Chuck before Scott**_**," **

**I answered honestly**

"_**I waited five years.**_

_**But you never came back to me**_**."**

**The funny thing was **

**I wasn't angry.**

**I hugged him **

**Afraid of losing him again**

**I glanced up **

**He looked so confused**

**I cried in his chest **

**I would remember this**

"**Blair?"**

**He was now worried**

"**You're not real."**

**He pulled me back softly**

**Cocked his eye **

**And stared at me**

**The tears didn't stop from falling**

"**Blair?"**

**He asked again with more force**

"**I wait and you never came back."**

**I paused before continuing again**

"You died."

* * *

"Wait she's waking up." My eyes open involuntary. The lights were so bright it was blinding me,

"Where am I?" I asked whoever was around me. Everything was so grim, I didn't recall a thing. I tried to sit up but straps were holding me down.

"St. Peter's Psychiatric Ward in Connecticut," someone answered. I turned to see I middle-aged man in a doctor's coat, which read Dr. Friedmen. I tried to think back, but nothing. What was I doing here? Where was Serena? Chuck?

"I don't understand," I said honestly.

"You don't recall what brought you here?" he asked tentatively and I shook my head.

"No where's Chuck? Where's Serena?" I started to panic. Sure Serena could explain, why I was here.

"Your friend Serena is waiting outside," he answered one of my questions, but where was Chuck?

"And where's Chuck?" I asked again.

"I'll let Ms. Humphrey explain." He got up and the nurse followed. Mrs. Humphrey? When did she and Dan get married? Why wasn't I invited? What the hell was going on?

It felt like hours before Serena came thought the door. When she did come in, I let out a sigh of relief. Serena looked rather paled. The effortless glow was gone, she looked dead. She didn't speak at first and I could swear she had tears in her eyes. Someone walked in with her, it was a nurse.

"Blair," she greeted. She had fear behind her eyes. It was something I hadn't seen she told me about Georgie blackmailing her.

"Serena, what's wrong?" She didn't answer; she just simply sat next to me, held my hand, and cried. I tried asking again but still nothing, she just continued to cry.

"B, we almost lost you," she finally manages to say.

"S, sweetie what on earth are you talking about?" I try acting calm to get information on her.

"Blair what do you remember?" She asked.

"About?"

"About Chuck? What is the last thing you remember about Chuck?" she asked impatiently.

I shake my head, this ridicules. But I answered anyway, "I remember we just got engaged, he took me to Paris. I don't understand why is this relates to why I'm here. By the way where is Chuck?"

Serena let my hand go and chuckled bitterly.

"You don't remember the night after you got to Paris, do you?" I shook my head, now that I thought about. I frown, thinking about the dream I head earlier. But that was just a dream it could have happened, Chuck was alive. I know it.

"No Serena, Chuck is alive. I know he is," I was certain. I, Blair Cornelia Waldorf-Bass (sort of) was sure he was still alive.

"Blair, Chuck is dead," she said slowly. I shook my head. She should be the one in these straps.

"He can't be," I shrugged it off.

"He died saving your life," she processed, ignoring me, "The car was about to hit you and Chuck moved you out of the way. The doctor's did everything they could."

"I don't want to hear anymore," I have to put a stop to her crazy talk.

She continued, it was almost if you was use this type of behavior from my part, "After Chuck, you started to drink a lot. We tried to stop you, but you didn't listen. You cut yourself off. It was like you were dead. You manage to put yourself in a coma for weeks. It just kept getting worst. You wouldn't talk or eat. Every time you fell asleep you would shout out his name. That's not what got you here. You got really drunk and crashed into a mirror."

I was unable to speak, the tears. Everything was slowly coming back to me.

"I… ki..ll..ed… him," I said through my sobs.

Serena hugged me; I wish I could hug her back. I felt like it wouldn't stop.

"How long was this?" I asked. She pulled back.

"I need to know," I pleaded.

"Chuck death? Or the accident?" she looked nervous.

"Both."

"Chuck died almost 6-7 years ago and the accident was 2-3 years ago," she was hiding something else.

"What else happened?" I was almost afraid to ask.

"I'm so sorry Blair." I don't know why she was apologizing.

"Why? You did nothing wrong, or did you?" I waited.

"You were pregnant," she said hesitantly, "You gave birth to a little baby boy, oh Blair I wish you could remember. He died a couple days after."

I tried to get out. I was hysterically, an uncontrollable monster. I screamed his name over and over. I felt I needle in right arm and I was out cold.

THE END

* * *

I'm a cynic lol So don't hate me! Please I was feeling rather angsty, I blame the fact that I'm still in school (all summer, like summer but not really) but i do have a mini-break coming up so yay!

**Questions? Comments? Concerns?**

Love it? Hate it? Review please and thank you...

Myra (trory12)


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